Our kids all love white noise...each one of them sleep with a fan on or a white noise machine. Even I HAVE to sleep with a fan blowing in my face. Even in the dead of winter.....because that is what blankets are for. The Mr. hates it, but he endures it because he loves me. Right now I feel like everything is white noise right now.....the weather, the news, other people's problems, politics.....especially politics.....I feel like I can't focus. Or breathe. That nothing is more important than this horrible, searing pain that seems to take up most of my days and all of my nights.
I miss him. A lot. I know, I know.....we were only with him for a week, but a lot happened in that week and the dream of him had been planted so, so long ago. The loss of him is almost more than I can bear. The grief is this monstrous thing that comes to me, especially when I think I am "fine" and swallows me whole. The closest I can come to describing it is that he is like he has been kidnapped, which still isn't right either, but as close as I can come.....he's still out there, but I just don't know where he is or how he is. Is he being loved like I love him? Is he being read to? Sung to? I know he will never know the story of us.....the ones who loved him. And that we wanted nothing more than to bring him home to his brother and sisters and just love him. He will never know the plans we had for him. The wonderful things sweet friends had bought for him. How I have waited for him for years. How I was going to start pumping to breastfeed him and how his daddy was going to donate blood to have on reserve if he needed more....just so he would have a part of us.
The thought of moving forward feels like we are betraying him. Betraying his love, his memory. Betraying him. But we have to move forward. We don't have a choice. We have inquired about several children...all in different parts of the world. And we are praying hard. Praying for answers and guidance, that we can trust enough again to make it through this whole process and a boat load of cash to finance this whole thing! We don't really know what we are supposed to be doing, how we are supposed to be feeling, just that we are back to square one, starting this whole process over....the fundraising, the research, the waiting.
Don't get me wrong. I have wanted to quit. To throw in the towel and just be done! It would be so much easier to say, "we tried and it didn't work." This is hard. And it sucks. Big time. But there is that little voice that keeps saying, "you can't quit.....your child is waiting." So we have to keep going forward. Because someone is waiting. Waiting for a mommy and daddy to love them. To bring them home to their brother and sisters. To just love them. There are plans to be made.....memories to be made. And we want that so badly.
We love you sweet Theodore......we will always love you and will never forget you. Thank you for being ours.....even if it was only for a short time.
I really never thought I would be writing this. I never thought this would be how our journey would turn out. But after the heartbreak of having to leave him and come home and then meeting with our birth mom again and her deciding, again, that she would place with us...two days later we got the call..."Birth mom will not be placing the baby with your family...that is her final decision."
Her final decision.....I'm not even sure how to process all of this. What I am supposed to do. How I am supposed to act. There are days that I feel fine and then something as simple as the microwave beeping and triggering the thought of a NICU alarm, and then I'm right back to a blubbering glob on the floor. But, it's all right. Really. It is. Because you know what? I don't fault her one bit, because this......this is hard stuff. Beautiful, but hard. And that sweet baby? He's amazing. And I am having a horrible time moving on. Moving further away from him. God has big plans for that one, I tell you. Big amazing, miraculous plans!
Adoption usually doesn't turn out like this. But sometimes it does. And we are okay. We really are. Because there are good things that will come from this...I love my husband more fiercely than ever. I stood in a NICU for a week, holding his hand and watching him fall in love with a baby that wasn't his. A baby that almost died before our very eyes. A baby that we thought was ours. I saw that wonderful man break down and sob right along with me when we got the news and mourn with me. THAT my friends, is a real man. A real father.
And now I know just how strong I am. And how strong my husband is...even though our hearts are breaking, he picked me up and told me that it was ok to cry, but we have to move on...our children at home need us. The one that is waiting needs us.
Our children have learned to love and let go, as hard as it is. Sadly, they needed that lesson. This entire process has made us a better family.....a stronger family. A family that has walked through one of the most devastating experiences we have ever faced and we are still here. Still together. Still family.
Our family has seen love and support from complete strangers. People have stepped up to take care of us. We know that we are loved and what a blessing that has been during all of this.
I never thought our story would be a failed adoption. BUT I also know that our story isn't over yet. There is a little one.....waiting. A little one that may not be born yet or that may be in foster care or heck.....that may even be in another country...I don't know. Yet. But I do know that they are waiting. They are waiting for US and our family and our home and our love. I'm okay waiting for that. Although I secretly hope that it happens tomorrow. Just kidding.....not really.
So we carry on. We get up every morning and breathe in and out. We put on our pants and don't just lay around in our pajamas (which is what I secretly long to do, regardless of our adoption situation!) We are moving forward. But because we are grieving and mourning the loss of this sweet little man, it is so hard. Please don't think that this isn't "real" to us just because he wasn't really "ours". Because he was. For a week....he was ours and we were his. And we loved him just like we love all of our children. He. Was. Ours. Not legally, of course, but in our hearts at least......and we have lost that and it hurts oh so badly. So please, keep praying for us. I know that I may cry at really inopportune times right now, but I'm trying to keep it together. To still be a wife, mother, friend.....but I'm gonna need some time. And some help.
So please don't give up on us.....we aren't done yet!
Tomorrow is a big day.....the day that our birth mother decides if she will sign surrender papers. We had this same day, last Thursday.....the day our world imploded on us and we drove home in tears to break it to our children, that today.....he is not ours.
It has been a hard week of waiting and wondering. The little bunny has been refusing to eat and is convinced she is going to puke or die....stress, I suppose. But so hard to watch as her momma.... You never want to see your 4 year old sobbing that, "I no wanna diiiiieee!". Little Man is convinced that the baby died and we just won't tell him. We have run the gamut of emotions...from feeling dead and empty, to mad and pissed off at the world and how unfair everything is, to my cocky day when I thought I was "just fine" and then stayed up that morning until 4 am sobbing and missing that sweet baby so badly that I almost couldn't breathe.
Today, I have a little peace.....we are getting back into our routine of being home and not in the NICU. I realize that this is not about me or our desire to have this sweet little man come into our family and just bless our socks off. I realize that I have no say in this decision, no control. And, most importantly, I realize that maybe we were placed with this birth mom to support her during this time. To teach her that this baby is NOT a punishment from God, but a blessing. To teach her that people with disabilities are not to be pitied, but celebrated.....because they really are just like us. Maybe that was our role in her life. Maybe we were supposed to sit a week in the NICU and watch that sweet baby almost die and then turn it all around and stun a not-so-believing doctor that he maybe, just maybe, this little guy is a miracle! Certainly it's not the role we wanted or prayed for.....but then again, it just isn't about us.
And you know what? Today I am okay with that. Tomorrow when the call comes, I may feel completely different. But today..... today I am okay.
*We want to thank everyone for all of their thoughts, prayers and donations. You have all been so amazing! We are continuing to fundraise (that week, so far from home, hit us hard in the pocketbook!), because we KNOW that our adoption story is not over yet.....whether this baby or another.....there is someone waiting to come home! Thank you so much! We love you!
