Tomorrow is a big day.....the day that our birth mother decides if she will sign surrender papers. We had this same day, last Thursday.....the day our world imploded on us and we drove home in tears to break it to our children, that today.....he is not ours.
It has been a hard week of waiting and wondering. The little bunny has been refusing to eat and is convinced she is going to puke or die....stress, I suppose. But so hard to watch as her momma.... You never want to see your 4 year old sobbing that, "I no wanna diiiiieee!". Little Man is convinced that the baby died and we just won't tell him. We have run the gamut of emotions...from feeling dead and empty, to mad and pissed off at the world and how unfair everything is, to my cocky day when I thought I was "just fine" and then stayed up that morning until 4 am sobbing and missing that sweet baby so badly that I almost couldn't breathe.
Today, I have a little peace.....we are getting back into our routine of being home and not in the NICU. I realize that this is not about me or our desire to have this sweet little man come into our family and just bless our socks off. I realize that I have no say in this decision, no control. And, most importantly, I realize that maybe we were placed with this birth mom to support her during this time. To teach her that this baby is NOT a punishment from God, but a blessing. To teach her that people with disabilities are not to be pitied, but celebrated.....because they really are just like us. Maybe that was our role in her life. Maybe we were supposed to sit a week in the NICU and watch that sweet baby almost die and then turn it all around and stun a not-so-believing doctor that he maybe, just maybe, this little guy is a miracle! Certainly it's not the role we wanted or prayed for.....but then again, it just isn't about us.
And you know what? Today I am okay with that. Tomorrow when the call comes, I may feel completely different. But today..... today I am okay.
*We want to thank everyone for all of their thoughts, prayers and donations. You have all been so amazing! We are continuing to fundraise (that week, so far from home, hit us hard in the pocketbook!), because we KNOW that our adoption story is not over yet.....whether this baby or another.....there is someone waiting to come home! Thank you so much! We love you!