Her final decision.....I'm not even sure how to process all of this. What I am supposed to do. How I am supposed to act. There are days that I feel fine and then something as simple as the microwave beeping and triggering the thought of a NICU alarm, and then I'm right back to a blubbering glob on the floor. But, it's all right. Really. It is. Because you know what? I don't fault her one bit, because this......this is hard stuff. Beautiful, but hard. And that sweet baby? He's amazing. And I am having a horrible time moving on. Moving further away from him. God has big plans for that one, I tell you. Big amazing, miraculous plans!
Adoption usually doesn't turn out like this. But sometimes it does. And we are okay. We really are. Because there are good things that will come from this...I love my husband more fiercely than ever. I stood in a NICU for a week, holding his hand and watching him fall in love with a baby that wasn't his. A baby that almost died before our very eyes. A baby that we thought was ours. I saw that wonderful man break down and sob right along with me when we got the news and mourn with me. THAT my friends, is a real man. A real father.
And now I know just how strong I am. And how strong my husband is...even though our hearts are breaking, he picked me up and told me that it was ok to cry, but we have to move on...our children at home need us. The one that is waiting needs us.
Our children have learned to love and let go, as hard as it is. Sadly, they needed that lesson. This entire process has made us a better family.....a stronger family. A family that has walked through one of the most devastating experiences we have ever faced and we are still here. Still together. Still family.
Our family has seen love and support from complete strangers. People have stepped up to take care of us. We know that we are loved and what a blessing that has been during all of this.
I never thought our story would be a failed adoption. BUT I also know that our story isn't over yet. There is a little one.....waiting. A little one that may not be born yet or that may be in foster care or heck.....that may even be in another country...I don't know. Yet. But I do know that they are waiting. They are waiting for US and our family and our home and our love. I'm okay waiting for that.
So we carry on. We get up every morning and breathe in and out. We put on our pants and don't just lay around in our pajamas (which is what I secretly long to do, regardless of our adoption situation!) We are moving forward. But because we are grieving and mourning the loss of this sweet little man, it is so hard. Please don't think that this isn't "real" to us just because he wasn't really "ours". Because he was. For a week....he was ours and we were his. And we loved him just like we love all of our children. He. Was. Ours. Not legally, of course, but in our hearts at least......and we have lost that and it hurts oh so badly. So please, keep praying for us. I know that I may cry at really inopportune times right now, but I'm trying to keep it together. To still be a wife, mother, friend.....but I'm gonna need some time. And some help.
So please don't give up on us.....we aren't done yet!