White noise

Our kids all love white noise...each one of them sleep with a fan on or a white noise machine. Even I HAVE to sleep with a fan blowing in my face. Even in the dead of winter.....because that is what blankets are for. The Mr. hates it, but he endures it because he loves me. Right now I feel like everything is white noise right now.....the weather,  the news, other people's problems, politics.....especially politics.....I feel like I can't focus. Or breathe. That nothing is more important than this horrible, searing pain that seems to take up most of my days and all of my nights.


I miss him. A lot.  I know, I know.....we were only with him for a week, but a lot happened in that week and the dream of him had been planted so, so long ago.  The loss of him is almost more than I can bear. The grief is this monstrous thing that comes to me, especially when I think I am "fine" and swallows me whole. The closest I can come to describing it is that he is like he has been kidnapped, which still isn't right either, but as close as I can come.....he's still out there, but I just don't know where he is or how he is. Is he being loved like I love him? Is he being read to? Sung to? I know he will never know the story of us.....the ones who loved him. And that we wanted nothing more than to bring him home to his brother and sisters and just love him. He will never know the plans we had for him. The wonderful things sweet friends had bought for him. How I have waited for him for years. How I was going to start pumping to breastfeed him and how his daddy was going to donate blood to have on reserve if he needed more....just so he would have a part of us.

The thought of moving forward feels like we are betraying him. Betraying his love, his memory. Betraying him. But we have to move forward. We don't have a choice. We have inquired about several children...all in different parts of the world. And we are praying hard.  Praying for answers and guidance, that we can trust enough again to make it through this whole process and a boat load of cash to finance this whole thing! We don't really know what we are supposed to be doing, how we are supposed to be feeling, just that we are back to square one, starting this whole process over....the fundraising, the research, the waiting. 


Don't get me wrong. I have wanted to quit. To throw in the towel and just be done! It would be so much easier to say, "we tried and it didn't work." This is hard. And it sucks. Big time. But there is that little voice that keeps saying, "you can't quit.....your child is waiting." So we have to keep going forward. Because someone is waiting. Waiting for a mommy and daddy to love them. To bring them home to their brother and sisters. To just love them. There are plans to be made.....memories to be made. And we want that so badly.




We love you sweet Theodore......we will always love you and will never forget you. Thank you for being ours.....even if it was only for a short time.