Funky Fish

Dawn at Funky Fish has graciously offered to do a fundraiser for adoption! For one week, 10% of the sales from her site will be donated to our adtoption fund! She has the cutest stuff and it is so reasonably priced! Great for Christmas presents! This is a one week only deal! It ends next Saturday!

Just mention "Saubers Adoption" at check-out and we get the credit! Thank you so much for putting up with another fundraiser from us!

Here is the link to her etsy shop.....she also has a FB page, so check her out and "like" her!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/FunkyFishJewelry

Giveaway Update!

Huge news, friends! HUGE! The prizes for our giveaway have been donated to us! We do not have to pay anything out of pocket for these items! So all of your donations will go straight to our dossier fees! We really need this fundraiser to go well and this is a huge boost to us!

So keep sharing, tweeting, blogging and donating to get your entries! The "reserve" has been removed! 

Thank you for helping us to bring home our little boy! It means so much to us!




Ok folks, I am really, really excited about this! We are having our first giveaway and I am a little nervous! I have never done a giveaway! If it was a silent auction for my favorite charity *cough*Best Buddies*cough*.....well, I help with that every year and could do it with my eyes closed! So this is a little new for me!


Here's the deal, we still need a lot of money to go get our little man! Like, a LOT. Right now we have a large chunk that we will need to have very soon to get our dossier on it's way across the ocean. We are doing everything in our power to raise this money. We don't like to ask for help. Ever. But this is a little different and a little boy is waiting in an orphanage.....waiting to come home and be loved.....waiting for his family. 


So what better way to help bring him home and give you something in return to show our appreciation?



Here is how works.....



You can earn 3 entries a day just by sharing this giveaway on Facebook, Twitter or your blog. You have to then come back here, comment how you shared and leave a working email that I can contact you at if you win.



Want even more chances to win? No problem! Just donate to our adoption fund via the Paypal button or to make a tax deductible donation, use our FSP account. If you donate through the Paypal button we will double your entries! 



Here is how you can earn more chances:


$ 5 = 1 chance
$10 = 2 chances
$15 = 3 chances
$20 = 4 chances
$25 = 6 chances
$50 = 15 chances
$100 =35 chances



Wanna know what you can get??? It's awesome.....really awesome! I feel like Oprah.....it's like Shauna's Favorite Things round here!


Oh, yeah.....you wanna know what we are giving away!




                                      A brand spankin' new iPad Mini! 
                                                 Squee!!!



                         



Want more??? Ok, ok.....IF we hit $1500 in donations we will add another item! Did you hear that? Another. Item. This one is something that I use every single day and can not live without! I love it more than my luggage.....any Steel Magnolia's fans out there? No? Sorry, I'm easily distracted!



                                   A Keurig Special Edition Brewer!


                                     




So get busy! Share away! Donate now! We are running this giveaway until December 12th! Make sure to come back and comment on this blog post so I know how many entries you have! Don't forget to leave your email address or I can't contact you if you win!




Thank you so much! It's really hard to put ourselves out there and ask for help and we want to know how much we appreciate all of your help and support!

The Black Friday/12 Days of Christmas Superfantabulous Giveaway!

Ok folks, I am really, really excited about this! We are having our first giveaway and I am a little nervous! I have never done a giveaway! If it was a silent auction for my favorite charity *cough*Best Buddies*cough*.....well, I help with that every year and could do it with my eyes closed! So this is a little new for me!


Here's the deal, we still need a lot of money to go get our little man! Like, a LOT. Right now we have a large chunk that we will need to have very soon to get our dossier on it's way across the ocean. We are doing everything in our power to raise this money. We don't like to ask for help. Ever. But this is a little different and a little boy is waiting in an orphanage.....waiting to come home and be loved.....waiting for his family.


So what better way to help bring him home and give you something in return to show our appreciation?



Here is how works.....



You can earn 3 entries a day just by sharing this giveaway on Facebook, Twitter or your blog. You have to then come back here, comment how you shared and leave a working email that I can contact you at if you win.



Want even more chances to win? No problem! Just donate to our adoption fund via the Paypal button or to make a tax deductible donation, use our FSP account. If you donate through the Paypal button we will double your entries!



Here is how you can earn more chances:


$ 5 = 1 chance
$10 = 2 chances
$15 = 3 chances
$20 = 4 chances
$25 = 6 chances
$50 = 15 chances
$100 =35 chances



Wanna know what you can get??? It's awesome.....really awesome! I feel like Oprah.....it's like Shauna's Favorite Things round here!


Oh, yeah.....you wanna know what we are giving away!




                                      A brand spankin' new iPad Mini!
                                                 Squee!!!



                         



Want more??? Ok, ok.....IF we hit $1500 in donations we will add another item! Did you hear that? Another. Item. This one is something that I use every single day and can not live without! I love it more than my luggage.....any Steel Magnolia's fans out there? No? Sorry, I'm easily distracted!



                                   A Keurig Special Edition Brewer!


                                     




So get busy! Share away! Donate now! We are running this giveaway until December 12th! Make sure to come back and comment on this blog post so I know how many entries you have! Don't forget to leave your email address or I can't contact you if you win!




Thank you so much! It's really hard to put ourselves out there and ask for help and we want to know how much we appreciate all of your help and support!






*I HATE to have a disclaimer, BUT.....we are having to pay for these items out of our own pocket, they are brand new and have not been donated. We will have to have a "reserve" on the giveaway. We need to reach $850 to break even and make something to help bring our sweet boy home! Thank you for understanding!

Amazon fundraiser!

If you happen to be doing any cyber-shopping this holiday season, and happen to be shopping on Amazon, if you will pretty please use this link, we will receive 6% for our adoption! Super easy! Just follow this link and help bring our boy home! Thank you!



http://www.amazon.com/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&l=ur2&linkCode=ur2&o=1%26%2334%3B%20width%3D%26%2334%3B1%26%2334%3B%20height%3D%26%2334%3B1%26%2334%3B%20border%3D%26%2334%3B0%26%2334%3B%20alt%3D%26%2334%3B%26%2334%3B%20style%3D%26%2334%3Bborder%3Anone%20!important%3B%20margin%3A0px%20!important%3B%26%2334%3B%20%26%2362%3B&tag=saubers-20">Name Your Link</a><img src="https://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=saubers-20&l=ur2&o=1" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />

Another fundraiser! Yay!

We are now hooked up with 147 Million Orphans! If you place an order through them and use our unique code, we receive a portion of the sale! You must use our link for us to get the credit! Sadly you can't just go on their sight and enter our code, you have to use our link.


So, oh yeah! The link...



http://www.147millionorphans.com/?AffId=111



Now go get some Christmas shopping done! :)

How You Can Help!

I have had many emails over the past few days and today, after posting a picture of a certain someone.....my email and FB has blown up! People want to know how to help and what they can do! I am beyond humbled! That has been one of the most unexpected parts of this journey.....the kindness and generosity of friends and strangers! 


So, as of right now, here are ways that you can help!

• Our Chip In widget is located on the right hand side of the blog. Just click and donate!

• If you would like your donation to be tax deductible you can mail your donation straight to our adoption agency! Please contact me for their mailing address and instructions! If you are wanting to do a straight, tax deductible donation, this is probably the best way!

•  If you love coffee and NEED it like I do in the morning, check out:  https://justlovecoffee.com/saubersfamily        We will receive a portion of the coffee sales!

• Our dear friend is currently hosting painting parties for us! If you are in our area and would like to host one of your own, please contact me and I can get you set up! All of the proceeds, minus a small amount for supplies, will go towards our adoption! She is an amazing teacher and they are a lot of fun!

• You can donate straight to our little man's Reece's Rainbow account at:   http://reecesrainbow.org/sponsorsaubers

           This is also tax deductible! 

         

     I am also going to be offering teacher gifts for your to purchase for your children's teachers, bus drivers, administrators, coaches, aides, etc! More info to come soon on this one! 

    We are going to continue to fundraise, so check back often! We will hopefully have something for everyone!

    Thank you again for your support on this! We couldn't do this without you and appreciate your support, love and prayers so much!

                        

Cha-cha-changes.....Ain't NO Mountain!

Well, it has been a veeeery long time since I have posted. But, boy have there been sum changes 'round here, folks! BIG changes! CRAZY changes! HUGE Changes! And let me tell you, I am just freaking giddy about them!


Firstly and most importantly....we have found a little man that we are in lovedy, love, love LOVE with! He is our son and we cannot wait to go get him! But, there's a catch......he's somewhere far, far away. Like L*thuani*, far away! But it's all good, because it is just absolutely meant to be! This is what all of this work/pain/time/money/heartache/wait has been bringing us to!  Mommy and daddy are moving mountains to get to you, baby boy!


My heart breaks that he goes to sleep, alone, every night.....no mommy and daddy to read him a book, tuck him in and say his prayers with him. Does anyone come when he cries in the night? Can he walk yet? Talk yet? What does his voice sound like? So many questions, so many things we want to know!  I thought the waiting before finding our child was hard? Haha! Nothing prepared me for this kind of waiting. 

So, where are we in the process? We have been accepted by the agency and committed to this particular child. (Sorry no names or pictures yet! Until our dossier is accepted by his country, we can't publicly announce any specific details. Trust, me I want to scream it from the roof tops and plaster his picture all over the place! But, we can't.....just yet!) Our homestudy has been accepted and approved and we are currently working on our dossier. Our 1-800 immigration paperwork is ready to go, we just don't have quite enough money to send it in yet. Which is killing me.....money. Stinking money holding us up! As of right now we need $890 to send in our immigration paperwork and $6600 for our dossier.We are busy applying for grants and praying hard that some of those come through, because this is not a cheap process and sadly those amounts are just the tip of the iceberg. We are also trying to figure out some more fundraiser ideas, which I am sure everyone is really thrilled about (insert sarcastic eye-roll here)! He has some medical issues, so getting him home quickly is very, very important!  

But we will do whatever it takes.....

We will cross seas and move mountains to bring this baby home.....because that, my friends, is what mommies and daddies do for their babies.

We are doing the most awesome-est adoption t-shirt fundraiser EVER! These are honestly the best t-shirts I have ever seen! And if you know our little man, then you know this is right up his alley!

We have adult sizes S-XXXL and youth sizes XS-XL. All shirts are $20...XXL add $1.50 and XXXL add $

2.00.

Let me know your size and color! We have to have orders turned in on October 1st and we have to have a minimum order of 25 shirts...but we would LOVE to hit 100! :0)

Thanks so much for your support!

White noise

Our kids all love white noise...each one of them sleep with a fan on or a white noise machine. Even I HAVE to sleep with a fan blowing in my face. Even in the dead of winter.....because that is what blankets are for. The Mr. hates it, but he endures it because he loves me. Right now I feel like everything is white noise right now.....the weather,  the news, other people's problems, politics.....especially politics.....I feel like I can't focus. Or breathe. That nothing is more important than this horrible, searing pain that seems to take up most of my days and all of my nights.


I miss him. A lot.  I know, I know.....we were only with him for a week, but a lot happened in that week and the dream of him had been planted so, so long ago.  The loss of him is almost more than I can bear. The grief is this monstrous thing that comes to me, especially when I think I am "fine" and swallows me whole. The closest I can come to describing it is that he is like he has been kidnapped, which still isn't right either, but as close as I can come.....he's still out there, but I just don't know where he is or how he is. Is he being loved like I love him? Is he being read to? Sung to? I know he will never know the story of us.....the ones who loved him. And that we wanted nothing more than to bring him home to his brother and sisters and just love him. He will never know the plans we had for him. The wonderful things sweet friends had bought for him. How I have waited for him for years. How I was going to start pumping to breastfeed him and how his daddy was going to donate blood to have on reserve if he needed more....just so he would have a part of us.

The thought of moving forward feels like we are betraying him. Betraying his love, his memory. Betraying him. But we have to move forward. We don't have a choice. We have inquired about several children...all in different parts of the world. And we are praying hard.  Praying for answers and guidance, that we can trust enough again to make it through this whole process and a boat load of cash to finance this whole thing! We don't really know what we are supposed to be doing, how we are supposed to be feeling, just that we are back to square one, starting this whole process over....the fundraising, the research, the waiting. 


Don't get me wrong. I have wanted to quit. To throw in the towel and just be done! It would be so much easier to say, "we tried and it didn't work." This is hard. And it sucks. Big time. But there is that little voice that keeps saying, "you can't quit.....your child is waiting." So we have to keep going forward. Because someone is waiting. Waiting for a mommy and daddy to love them. To bring them home to their brother and sisters. To just love them. There are plans to be made.....memories to be made. And we want that so badly.




We love you sweet Theodore......we will always love you and will never forget you. Thank you for being ours.....even if it was only for a short time.

We aren't done yet.....

I really never thought I would be writing this. I never thought this would be how our journey would turn out. But after the heartbreak of having to leave him and come home and then meeting with our birth mom again and her deciding, again, that she would place with us...two days later we got the call..."Birth mom will not be placing the baby with your family...that is her final decision."
Her final decision.....I'm not even sure how to process all of this. What I am supposed to do. How I am supposed to act. There are days that I feel fine and then something as simple as the microwave beeping and triggering the thought of a NICU alarm, and then I'm right back to a blubbering glob on the floor.  But, it's all right. Really. It is. Because you know what?  I don't fault her one bit, because this......this is hard stuff. Beautiful, but hard. And that sweet baby? He's amazing. And I am having a horrible time moving on. Moving further away from him. God has big plans for that one, I tell you. Big amazing, miraculous plans!

Adoption usually doesn't turn out like this. But sometimes it does. And we are okay. We really are. Because there are good things that will come from this...I love my husband more fiercely than ever. I stood in a NICU for a week, holding his hand and  watching him fall in  love with a baby that wasn't his. A baby that almost died before our very eyes. A baby that we thought was ours. I saw that wonderful man break down and sob right along with me when we got the news and mourn with me. THAT my friends, is a real man. A real father.

And now I know just how strong I am. And how strong my husband is...even though our hearts are breaking, he picked me up and told me that it was ok to cry, but we have to move on...our children at home need us. The one that is waiting needs us.

Our children have learned to love and let go, as hard as it is. Sadly, they needed that lesson. This entire process has made us a better family.....a stronger family. A family that has walked through one of the most devastating experiences we have ever faced and we are still here. Still together. Still family.

Our family has seen love and support from complete strangers. People have stepped up to take care of us. We know that we are loved and what a blessing that has been during all of this.

 I never thought our story would be a failed adoption. BUT I also know that our story isn't over yet. There is a little one.....waiting. A little one that may not be born yet or that may be in foster care or heck.....that may even be in another country...I don't know. Yet.  But I do know that they are waiting. They are waiting for US and our family and our home and our love. I'm okay waiting for that. Although I secretly hope that it happens tomorrow.  Just kidding.....not really. 

So we carry on. We  get up every morning and breathe in and out. We put on our pants and don't just lay around in our pajamas (which is what I secretly long to do, regardless of our adoption situation!) We are moving forward. But because we are grieving and mourning the loss of this sweet little man, it is so hard. Please don't think that this isn't "real" to us just because he wasn't really "ours". Because he was. For a week....he was ours and we were his. And we loved him just like we love all of our children. He. Was. Ours.  Not legally, of course, but in our hearts at least......and we have lost that and it hurts oh so badly. So please, keep praying for us. I know that I may cry at really inopportune times right now, but I'm trying to keep it together. To still be a wife, mother, friend.....but I'm gonna need some time. And some help.  


So please don't give up on us.....we aren't done yet!

Today.....

Tomorrow is a big day.....the day that our birth mother decides if she will sign surrender papers. We had this same day, last Thursday.....the day our world imploded on us and we drove home in tears to break it to our children, that today.....he is not ours.


 It has been a hard week of waiting and wondering.  The little bunny has been refusing to eat and is convinced she is going to puke or die....stress, I suppose. But so hard to watch as her momma.... You never want to see your 4 year old sobbing that, "I no wanna diiiiieee!". Little Man is convinced that the baby died and we just won't tell him. We have run the gamut of emotions...from feeling dead and empty, to mad and pissed off at the world and how unfair everything is, to my cocky day when I thought I was "just fine" and then stayed up that morning until 4 am sobbing and missing that sweet baby so badly that I almost couldn't breathe. 




Today, I have a little peace.....we are getting back into our routine of being home and not in the NICU. I realize that this is not  about me or our desire to have this sweet little man come into our family and just bless our socks off. I realize that I have no say in this decision, no control. And, most importantly, I realize that maybe we were placed with this birth mom to support her during this time. To teach her that this baby is NOT a punishment from God, but a blessing. To teach her that people with disabilities are not to be pitied, but celebrated.....because they really are just like us. Maybe that was our role in her life. Maybe we were supposed to sit a week in the NICU and watch that sweet baby almost die and then turn it all around and stun a not-so-believing doctor that he maybe, just maybe, this little guy is a miracle!  Certainly it's  not the role we wanted or prayed for.....but then again, it just isn't about us. 


And you know what? Today I am okay with that. Tomorrow when the call comes, I may feel completely different. But today..... today I am okay.




















*We want to thank everyone for all of their thoughts, prayers and donations. You have all been so amazing! We are continuing to fundraise (that week, so far from home, hit us hard in the pocketbook!), because we KNOW that our adoption story is not over yet.....whether this baby or another.....there is someone waiting to come home! Thank you so much! We love you!

Because she's my friend

Because she's my friend, I've hijacked the Saubers' blog to tell you some stuff she won't tell you herself!
My name is Chrissy and I blog over at Injera and Chocolate Gravy! 
I've known the Saubers family for 4 years now and I've grown to love this crazy bunch of people as much as though her children are my own!

Thursday night, a birth mom/first mom here in our area was admitted to the hospital to have an emergency C-section. Shortly after that, Baby T was born weighing in at a tiny 3lbs!
(Not sure how much info she wants shared at this point... so we will call him BabyT! Kinda like Mr. T... he's a fighter! More on that...)

Shauna and Jeff drove down the next day to go see the baby who was transferred to a hospital with better services for his specific needs. They have been there ever since.

Now... anyone who knows Shauna and Jeff knows they HATE asking for help. Shauna would rather die than ask me to pick up a gallon of milk for her... so I know this adoption-fundraising thing has her COMPLETELY out of her comfort zone. I'm here to tell you... you can seriously bless this family out of your surplus and help bring this baby boy home to the family who absolutely adores him!

He has some heart "stuff" going on and it was pretty tense earlier today. The phrase "make some tough decisions" was overheard, but we believe that only God can determine the number of days we have... and today was NOT Baby T's day! He fought those numbers on the machine and bounced back with vengeance! AMAZING!


So let me just say...
I have seen this sweet boy!!
The fact that he is HERE is a miracle of God.
He has the sweetest little face... the cutest tiny nose I've EVER seen (and I have 12 kids.. I've seen a bunch of noses!)... and a head full of blonde hair!
You WANT to be a part of the miracle in the making going on here!
You WANT to help this family bring him home...
because soon, she can share pictures on her blog...
and show the whole world how gorgeous this extra chromosome can be
and how loved this beautiful little boy is
and how much LIFE and JOY he adds to the world just by being here!!
You want to be a part of this in any small way possible!

Join in.
Pitch in.
Chip in... right there on the side bar.
Then leave a super sweet comment for Shauna to store up and treasure in her heart.

Baby T... Ms. Chrissy is SO proud of you for working so hard today!! You are one tough cookie!! Come home soon, baby boy!!

A little help from our friends...

I don't even want to talk about this..... I don't like to ask for things, or ask for help, or ask for anything.....BUT this is big. This is our child we are talking about. They are out there, somewhere. Waiting for mommmy and daddy to come to take them home. I would hate to stand at the gates of Heaven and say, "but, we didn't have enough money!". If you are so inclined..... Thank you. Really.....thank you. You can't imagine what this means to our family.

What Can I Do?

You all know my heart for children with Down Syndrome...especially orphans with Down Syndrome. I know that not everyone is able to adopt and I especially know that not everyone is as crazy as us that not everyone is able to adopt a child with Down Syndrome. I also know that most people don't spend their days agonizing over the pictures of children on Reece's Rainbow (check it out...www.reecesrainbow.org...they are an awesome organization! But I warn you...if you have any shred of humanity in you, you'll cry...like UGLY cry!) like...ahem, some people do...


What I do know is that everyone has about 2 minutes to watch a video by a friend that is busting his tail, literally, to  help orphans with Down Syndrome. Watch the video and vote...it's that easy. You can read a little about what  Brady is doing here...      http://www.ksl.com/?nid=1010&sid=20702463


and then go here...    http://apps.facebook.com/konainspired/?x=us_facebookapp_312_14   ...watch the video and vote! 




You can also check out Brady's website at... http://rodsracing.org/ 



It is that easy! Oh and since I am computer-challengened, you may have to copy and paste the link in your  browser...sorry! One more step, but worth it!

Things that make you go....WTH???

Apparently I have offended the masses (ok, ok...ONE person...and I use that term loosely) by all of my "ranting" about being a mom of special needs children. I need to "get over myself and live in the real world" because "not everyone cares about  people with special needs" so "stop ramming it down everybody's throats". Oh and while I'm at it I should "really, really shut up about adopting a child with Down Syndrome" because what??? "Do I want a medal or something cause I am such a saint" and I should really "stop begging for money and asking  everyone to donate to help with adoption expenses,  because it is my choice, no one is making me adopt...it's not anyone's problem but mine..." (ahem...1 garage sale sure doesn't sound like "begging" to me...but once again...I digress). I "really need to get a life and stop using my kids as an excuse and stop letting them use their "disabilities" as an excuse"...because "people in the real world don't like whiners and they are just going to be a drain on society" and I should really "do something good in the world and stop complaining so much".


Wow! Thanks for the tips...I'll hunt you down and...I'll keep those in mind.

A little advice...

Today is World Autism Day... and as a mom of a precious little man with autism, the only thoughts I have are...


My son is not broken.
My son doesn't need a cure. 
My son doesn't need your pity. 
My son isn't a leper, he isn't diseased... he's a little boy with hopes and dreams, just like yours.  
You are missing out if you don't know my son. 
Our family is OK with him, just the way he is. 
Thank you for your advice...but at this point *I* AM an autism expert. 
Think before you speak...he isn't deaf and he knows what your words mean. 
You know a child with autism? Then you know ONE child with autism. 
You can't put autism in a "box"...it is an ever changing thing.
Learn about autism...knowledge is power. 
My son is a comedic genius and doesn't even mean to be.
No, my son is not Rainman.


NO he does not count cards...your Vegas jokes aren't appreciated. And I have heard every single one.
Everyone that knows my son, loves my son. 



















Autism is not a death sentence. 
Our family has been blessed by him being in it, in  ways that you could never imagine.

My son is beautifully and wonderfully made by a God who loves him very much.

Yesterday we registered our oldest daughter for High School. High. School. Because if I whisper it, it may not be true  she is a...gulp...a teenager. Ugh! The dreaded "T" word! I mean seriously, HO-OOOOW did this happen? I vividly remember the day I found out I was pregnant, or the day I puked 19 times because the morning sickness was so bad, or eating 3 cantaloupes in one day because that was the only thing I could stomach... the 36 hours of labor, the first cry, how we thought she was the most beautiful baby in the world, even though her poor little face was so swollen from the 36 hours of labor...the car ride home in which I thought everyone was nuts and trying to run us off the road...the first smile, word, step...it's gone too, too fast. And I'm afraid that I have missed some off it, because I was oh so busy doing laundry, or dishes, or making dinner or locking myself in the bathroom because, come on people, I just need one stinkin' second to myself!

How did this little girl with the Nellie Olson curls turn into this remarkable young woman? How did the little girl that cut the hole in the window screen to "let the air in" turn into this selfless, brilliant, beautiful young woman? And she's got plans, this girl.  BIG plans.


We went on a mission trip last summer to Honduras and volunteered at an orphanage and let me tell you, something changed in our daughter...something big. The "I want/I need"'s turned into "no thank you"'s and "I've got all I need"'s. School seems more important now, with the whole mindset that the more I know, the more I can help.  Spanish is a priority... they speak Spanish in Honduras, ya know! High school classes were chosen with care and deliberation, with the end in mind. JROTC was  also chosen. She comes from a long line of military men and doesn't see why she shouldn't follow in their footsteps. There is talk of becoming a globe trotting mission doctor...and she can do it. She truly can. 


Because she has done so much already.

Don't forget...

Today I was sitting with the little man watching one of his ghost shows and there happened to be a little boy with autism on the show. The little boy on the show was non-verbal and he was very intrigued. Little man knows he has autism...we've never hid that fact from him. It is not an excuse. It is not a crutch. It is a fact of our lives and we deal with it and move on. We don't have any other option.


So he asks me,"Why doesn't he talk? I have autism and I can talk." So I talked to him about how, for a very long time, he didn't talk either and it was very hard because we didn't know what he wanted or needed. I also told him how very proud we were of all of the hard work he had done (hours and hours of therapy...for years!) and how he had done amazing things and that some people weren't sure if he would ever talk. That made him happy. Which, of course, made momma happy!


Then I asked if he remembered when he wasn't able to talk. The kid has a memory like an elephant...he seriously remembers stuff that I don't...minute details of things that happened years ago. Even things from a time in his life that he probably shouldn't remember...like stuff from when he was an infant. Creepy and amazing at the same time.  He sat there for a minute and said, "Yeah, I remember...it was bad. I didn't like it. I don't want to talk about this. All you want to do is talk, talk, talk!" Haha! Emotions and junk like that stress the poor kid out! Ok, ok! I know when to stop!


I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that he remembers that time of his life. I guess there is a part of me that  kind of wishes he didn't remember...it was such a hard, stressful time in his life and as his momma I want to protect him. I know how hard it was on Jeff and I...I can imagine how hard it was on him. It is not something I care to do again, but going through it made us the family we are today. But then I don't want to discount it and sweep it under the rug like it never happened. It was hard...soooo hard, but  I guess it is good that he remembers. He's come such a long way...and it's always good to remember where you've come from...where you've been... and where you're going.

Memories...

In the past few weeks I have been reliving a time in our life that was traumatic and beautiful at the same time. I have been talking to a mom with a newly diagnosed little man. I hope what we have already lived through helps her and her family...if for nothing more than to see that you can get through it and it will be okay. What most people don't understand is that I love this mom, because I was her...once upon a time.


Talking to her has taken me back to a family vacation in Yellowstone in 2002. First, it was scary...taking a toddler to Yellowstone,  The Land of Boiling Pits...a toddler who was completely obsessed with water...ANY type of water. And a toddler who would bolt away from you at any point and time. A toddler who knew no fear, pain or danger. You see when we got back from that family vacation, everything was going to change. We had an appointment with a developmental pediatrician to see what was "wrong" with our little man. But I already knew what was wrong...He had autism. And I was scared.


We always knew something was wrong with our little man, even while we were pregnant. He never moved in utero...never. So little that when he did move, it literally startled me when he did move. We had numerous tests, sonograms, etc...but nothing ever showed up. The night before we were scheduled to go in to be induced,  I had a horrible headache and I was already almost 2 weeks over due (FYI...I ALWAYS go 2 weeks overdue! UGH!), so we called the doctor and she had us go in to the ER. We got there, they hooked me up to the monitor and he was showing minor signs of fetal distress. I laid there for what seemed like hours and a doctor finally came in and told me I was free to go, even though we had one particular doctor that wanted to take him right them. I kept asking if they were sure, but they shooed us home. The next morning we went in, got all hooked up and started the induction....a few hours later after pushing for less than an hour, our first son was born...born blue and not breathing. I laid there staring at the doctor that had been my childhood doctor, a woman whose children I had babysat and  later worked for her at her doctors office...and she was begging my son to breathe. All that I remember from his birth are the words "Breathe, little buddy, please BREATHE!" He had been born with the cord around his neck. He should have been taken the night before. But he wasn't.


Well, obviously he did breathe eventually and seemed to be a very healthy, happy baby. He never cried, didn't really need to be held, absolutely loved staring at lights and slept ALL night. He also had the most ginormous head I had ever seen...earning him the nick name Charlie Brown. Sorry, we have a wicked sense of humor.  All of this was a  huge difference from his big sister who was the complete, polar opposite! We thought we had hit the lottery! He was such a good baby! His sister was super high maintenance and still is and we were honestly worn out! But there was stuff... like he never startled. Ever. Not even when we would bang pots or drop books on the floor. He also would not turn towards your voice or make baby noises. We were sure he was deaf. He showed no signs of realizing we were even there. So tests, tests and more tests and he was fine. NOTHING was wrong. He is just a really good baby.


12 months...NO speech, NO recognition of a familiar face, NO needing to be held or comforted, NO babble-y baby noises, NO reaching for mommy, NO happy smile when daddy got home from work. More doctor visits...he's fine. You have a very happy baby with a big sister (who was talking full sentences at 9 months!) that  talks for him.


18 months...NO speech and acting honestly, like a little cave man...grunting, biting, screaming, rolling around on the floor, freaking out over textures and sounds and smells and things we had no clue about why they were  setting him off. MORE doctor visits  (and lots of Internet research that was clearly pointing to autism, although no one would listen) and again, NOTHING. Sure he's a little behind, but he'll catch up. Stop reading the Internet and over-reacting. Children with autism aren't loving at all...haven't you seen Rain Man? 


Fast forward to  his 3 year check up...Full on meltdown in the doctor's office. Hand flapping, spinning in circles, rocking, chewing on his hands, banging his head. In. Front. Of. The. Doctor.   FINALLY!   Tune changed...yes, he needs to see a specialist right away! There is something going on there. I'm sorry, I guess you knew what you were talking about all these years.  YEARS. We lost YEARS! Years that we could have spent teaching him how to be a little boy. Years that he spent suffering in silence, locked away in his little brain. Years of tears and what did we do's. YEARS. It was horrible and I felt like a failure.


Back from Yellowstone that August of 2002 and off to see the developmental pediatrician (amazing, amazing woman and the SAME doctor that my friend has seen for her little boy...que creepy coincidence music). After talking to her for less that 20 minutes she said, "Your son has a classic case of severe autism.  I can't tell you if he will ever talk or ever be able to live on his own. But I do know that he can learn.  He is not dumb like some will be quick to tell you. And he can love. He is your son and you love him and that is all that truly matters.". And you know what? The diagnosis didn't matter...what did matter was that we had a name for what we had been struggling with for years. We had validation. We weren't crazy or bad parents.  We could work with this!  We were honestly relieved. After spending hours with her and setting up appointments for speech, occupational and physical therapy as well as an appointment with a behavioral physiologist (LOVE that man...he saved our lives and our marriage!) our lives changed. We started  therapy 4 times a week, several hours a day, an hour drive in rush hour traffic, one way.


This is totally the abridged version of our story. It was long and hard and there are lots of things that I just don't remember or care to remember. But our son is 12 now. And he is AMAZING! Literally...amazing! Ask anyone who knows him.  He has a huge fan club! Most people don't' realize just how much work this child has done to do something as simple as write his name or put on his shoes. I am not going to take that struggle away from him. He's earned it. He's a rockstar and any time I have gotten down on myself and thought "oh, this is too hard" and wanted to give up, I look at him. He never quit. He never stopped...granted he didn't like it, but he kept working. He's still working. Ordinary, every day things are so much  more....well, more for him. But he keeps going. He keeps fighting. He keeps amazing us every day.


Almost  4 years ago, while I was pregnant with #4...we got more news. All of our children were diagnosed with a genetic brain disorder called Pediatric Neurotransmitter Disease....Google it, it's complicated and rare and still confusing to me. But it answers a LOT of questions...why our girls have ADHD and then were diagnosed with OCD, dyslexia, dystonia, memory and sleep issues, sensory processing disorder....you name it. My children have more initials behind their names than most career college students!  (Remember...laugh or you'll cry!) We truly are blessed, even though it may not be your version of blessed!


We have been asked several times if we could make our son's autism go away with a magic pill, would we give it to him? Our answer is a resounding NO. We have only ever known our son this way...if you took the autism away...we wouldn't know that child. I don't want to know that child. There are other questions...hurtful questions. Questions that should never be asked a parent of their children. Questions that I hope he never heard people ask me. Here's a friendly tip...If it would offend you if someone asked you that question...don't ask it.


Bottom line...Our son doesn't need a cure. He doesn't need another therapy or diet or unwanted advice. He doesn't need your pity. Or stares. Or scorn.


  He  does need your kindness. He does  need your understanding. He does need your belief that he CAN. Because he can...and he will!

Homestudy day!

Tomorrow morning we have the first visit of our homestudy! Actually, since our social worker is a rockstar, this is going to be considered our second visit! So after tomorrow...2 more to go!  Woo hoo! And we had our first adoption class Monday night...only 8 hours left! It is real now!


 So wish us luck, hope for the best, and say a little (or, rather, big!) prayer for us! The newest member of our family is out there...waiting. Waiting for us to come get them...waiting to come home! We're on our way, baby! We're on our way!

Why we are adopting.

Once upon a time, in a small town in southeast Kansas, a little girl was watching 20/20.....


And that little girl saw something that changed her life. It was a story about orphanages in Russia and it was heartbreaking. Never in her 12 years had she ever seen anything so sad. So heartbreakingly horrible. So wrong. After spending the hour sobbing and using up a box of tissues, she begged and pleaded with her mother to please, please, PLEASE  can we adopt a baby from Russia?!? But her mother simply said, "That's not my thing." And the little girl was crushed, because she knew it was her thing. And she vowed,  that one day, she would adopt...


27 years later that dream is coming true!


The thing about that particular show that really got to me was the children with disabilities. They put them in cribs and simply walked away. These children would rock and cry and no one would ever come. No one came to wipe their tears, change their diaper, feed them when they were hungry, rock them to sleep. No one loved them.  But I did.


Our son is more  "disabled" than our girls...he struggles more, has more "issues". (I really hate calling him disabled....he's just differently abled. Diff-abled? Maybe? I'll keep working on that! He rocks it, whatever you call it!)  You wouldn't believe it if you saw him now, but years ago he was very, severely autistic. He had no speech, stimmed constantly, screamed, grunted, hit, bit, spit, rocked, hand flapped...it was really bad. But through a TON of work on his part and therapy and specialists and doctors, he has turned into who he is supposed to be and not for one moment would I change any of that struggle. It has made us who we are as a family. It has made our girls empathetic to a fault and made them not see what the rest of the world sees, but what is on the inside. It has made my husband an awesome father. It has made me a patient mother. The thought that in another country, or even another time in our country, he would have been locked away in an institution... it makes me sick. He would have never had the chance to grow and bloom and turn in to this awesome little man that EVERYONE loves! These precious children are considered animals in some countries.  Children like MY children.  Break my heart for what breaks yours...well, God...I'm broken. 


I have always been one to root for the underdog. I have always had a heart for the unwanted, the unlovable, the broken, and of course any stray dog or cat in a 40 mile radius.(NOTE: I am NOT comparing children or adults with special needs to unwanted, broken underdogs...I have 4 children with special needs. Don't go there, cause you won't win!).  Growing up in a rural farming community, children with special needs were kept apart from the "normal" children.   We had a group of special needs children that were bused into our school and the only time that we would "interact" with them would be during lunch. They sat separately from us at a  table that only they were allowed to sit at. I remember stealing glances (and getting cuffed in the head for staring) at them...I was so drawn to them. I always hated that there was only a handful of them and they were always alone. I hate that I never asked them their names. I hate that we weren't allowed to get to know them. As the years went by I would find myself drawn to children and adults with special needs. Especially those with Down Syndrome. And let me tell you, people think you are a creep if you are staring at their kid. Trust me. I think the same thing when people stare at my kids (but that is usually because one of them is having a HUGE meltdown because they didn't have the Lego he so desperately needed because then his life would be complete...but hey...not naming any names...he knows who he is!). I  really wasn't trying to be hateful. I wasn't gawking or trying to make anyone uncomfortable. I wasn't staring because of their difference, I was staring because I wanted to know them. 


I have a huge group of friends that I love dearly. I met them while volunteering with an organization called Best Buddies (Look it up and then start helping! NOW! Best. Organization. EVER.). Most of these mom's  have children with DS. They are awesome women and I love how they have taken me in and made me one of them.  I know that when our little one makes it home, I can call on any one of them, at any time, with questions. The fact that I have stumbled upon this community of women and already have this awesome built-in support system for our child with DS,  has got to be a God thing.


 Our family was meant to adopt a child. We plan to adopt a child with Down Syndrome. I've known it since I was a little girl and watched that horrible piece on 20/20.  I don't know if our child is coming domestically or internationally. I don't know if our child is an infant or a 3 year old. What I do know is that my life has been completely blessed by having my own children with special needs.  I know this life isn't all sunshine and rainbows and sparkly unicorn poop  lollipops. It's a scary and lonely place. People don't understand, you loose friends, family, sometimes even your spouse. It's a long, hard journey. But you know what? I don't care. All of the struggles and the journey that sometimes feels like life has taken a back road...I love it. Jeff and I have made it through some really rough stuff, but we've made it, we still love each other and can still laugh about it. This is who we were meant to be and what we were meant to do. Nothing phases us now. Not even a meltdown on aisle 4.